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Humor, Opinion

SATIRE: Clark’s Graffiti Problem: A Vital Recommendation

Earlier this year, the administration decided to finally take a stand against what is likely the greatest issue facing Clark today: the blurred, incomprehensible graffiti that can be found in our school bathrooms. 

They removed our mirrors. And I, for one, applaud them for this decision.

Now, while I am far from alone in appreciating this removal, many others have had problems with the change. But, as security is rarely convenient, I accepted the new policy.

However, as someone who worries about how graffiti can drastically alter the school environment, I wonder: Is taking our mirrors enough to combat this issue?

This question came to me as I walked by a stall in the boy’s bathroom. If you look closely, you can make out what might just be interpreted as words (or ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics). I traveled to other boys’ bathrooms and discovered other symbols, each more disturbing than the last. The solution became crystal clear: The bathroom stalls must be removed.

It’s for the safety and security of our Clark High School campus that the stalls in the boys’ and girls’ bathrooms must be removed. The bathroom must be just like so many of our favorite classrooms—open seating.

Of course, I know what you’re thinking. There is an obvious, and frankly disgusting, issue with such a change:

Won’t most kids be forced to breathe in secondhand smoke now that students can’t vape safely inside of stalls?

To find a solution to this problem, I spent weeks researching. I found a worthy solution—simply hire a full “bathroom staff” to sit in each bathroom and watch all students use the bathroom to make sure they aren’t vaping when the stalls are removed. If there are budgetary problems, simply reduce teacher pay. If that doesn’t work, we can fire the deans, and when that doesn’t work, we can cut classroom resources and hope that the teachers don’t strike.

I hope the administration heeds this advice before the problem becomes even more out of hand.

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