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SATIRE: Study Shows Link Between Academic Success and Self-Worth

October 9, 2019 4:24pm | Richard Park

Confirming long-held suspicions surrounding sleep and school success, researchers at Princeton University published a study Thursday that found getting 5 hours of sleep or less for studying, followed by grievously telling all your peers and acknowledging your declining health the next morning, remains the best […]

A Guide on Argumentation, by a Speech and Debate Champion

August 30, 2019 1:38am | Richard Park

Here are 5 ways you can blow someone out of the water in a heated debate: Use the question “Are you stupid?” When you are losing the upper hand and your opponent’s points actually make sense, gently state “are you stupid?” before you offer your […]

[COMIC] Jellyfish’s New Friend

April 16, 2019 2:34am | Elisia Hurley, Erin Keene

[COMIC] College Admissions Scandal

April 16, 2019 2:31am | Erin Keene, Elisia Hurley

Why You Shouldn’t Buy a Hydro Flask

April 16, 2019 2:15am | Angelyn Celis

Really, don’t buy one. Walking down the hall, you’ll see countless bandwagoning high schoolers with AirPods in their ears, a PopSocket on their iPhone, and of course you cannot forget about their dented Hydro Flask. Although I don’t actually have one myself, I managed to […]

The Merits of Membean

November 2, 2018 1:39am | Richard Park

As students are assigned increasingly large amounts of schoolwork over the past month, several students have admitted that Membean is actually a waste of time. “All you learn is how to talk big words,” says John Wherry. “It’s stupid and students could be spending their […]

Rishi’s Reflection: Advice for Tackling AP Exams

April 10, 2018 6:29pm | Rishi Saran

As I sat in the empty chair, I stared into the deep abyss that laid before me. My eyes peering into the emptiness, dreading what was to come. The impending doom was slowly, but surely creeping up on me, and everyone around me. Lips were […]

How to Procrastinate and Succeed Doing It (Humor)

September 20, 2017 4:14pm | Ammie Wang

Don’t procrastinate or you’ll start to fall behind.  Once you fall behind, your grades slip.  Once your grades slip, you lose sight of graduation.  Once you lose sight of graduation, you lose hope for employment. BAM – fast forward twenty years – you’re wrestling yesterday’s […]

College Application Season is Upon Us (Humor)

August 31, 2017 3:56pm | Ammie Wang

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  No, not Christmas.  Not any other non-denominational winter celebration.  Not even that stupid holiday that we doubt the legitimacy of but don’t ask questions about since it gives us a three day weekend.  I’m talking about college […]

CHANTRANT: Modern Movie Offenses

August 31, 2017 3:39pm | Victor Calderon

I’d honestly rather not talk about this. I mean really, I love movies, but after the past few years, I can’t help it. Here are a few movie offenses that plague my mind ANY time I watch a movie – modern horror movies in particular. […]